Indiana Matt and the Staff of Aaron
by SCHSTMAUBHF
Summary: Here we find our Indy Pimp facing another dangerous peril! ::a must read::


Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Bark Bark.  
  
.....  
  
Here we find out Indy Pimp stuck in ANOTHER PERILESS ADVENTURE!  
  
Indiana Matt is an average teacher of Archaeology at Princeton. He lives in an off campus house that is filled with more relics and dusty artifacts than you can shake a tribesman at. On his spare time, The Doctor enjoys going on adventures in the name of Archaeology!  
  
Matt: ::points to old lady on park bench:: This belongs in a museum!  
  
Always not far behind are his faithful sidekicks.  
  
::Kyle and Kelly strike poses::  
  
Sadly, those were the days before college and the war. When they worked together as a team! Nowadays, Kyle is married to a voodoo body piercer named Shaniqua, and has three children. Today you can find him and his family all happily living in the depths of Chicago. Kelly, on the other hand, rejected Matt's proposal of a yearlong trek across Borneo to start her long awaited film career. She has currently been in production for her first film for the past 5 years.  
  
Kelly: It's going to be HUGE!  
  
Today we find our hero 5 years since he left his friends, stranded alone in the deserts of Iraq with the feared Taliban on his tail! Matt risked arm and leg to retrieved the priceless artifact: The Staff of Aaron, only now doomed to be struck down by the evil Omahamad Sandard Hullabaloo. It looks like the end to our hero...  
  
Wait, what's this?! A cell phone!  
  
Matt: ::whips out trusty cell:: 21st century baby!  
  
Frantically Matt dials the one number that will save his life and the relic!  
  
....  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere in the depths of Chicago, Kyle spoons mashed peas into a dazed baby seated atop a highchair as two older children fling macaroni and cheese at each other. That's when the telephone rang. Casually Kyle reached over and answered.  
  
Kyle: Yello.  
  
Matt: KYLE!  
  
Kyle: MATT!  
  
Matt: Need. Help. Taliban. Iraq. Gahaha! Lack. Of. Weapons!  
  
The line went dead. Kyle barely hesitated. He was waiting for this opportunity ever since his boss let him work the night shift at "Jimmy's shipyard". Lunching up from the kitchen table, he struck a glorious pose, did a quick application of chapstick, then darted off to the basement humming "Get your Freak On". On his way, Kyle hit the telephone on the kitchen wall for speed dial #9.  
  
Kelly threw her moca-frappa-latte-chino at the new bus boy whom then preceded to wibble and apologize.  
  
Kelly: I said with SPRINKLES DAMNIT! SPRINK-  
  
The telephone rang.  
  
Kelly: ::snaps phone open:: Make me happy.  
  
It was a voice message.  
  
Kyle: Sup. Yeah. Matt's in trouble, you know what to do.  
  
Kelly bolted from her canvas chair labeled: "Director. Deal." Struck a pose of supreme glory, punched the bus boy yelling;  
  
Kelly: REPRESENT!  
  
The crew gawked at her in psychotic fear as she skipped to her limo off to LAX.  
  
6 hours later.  
  
Somewhere out in the blazing desert, Indiana Matt was clinging to an idle bush.  
  
Matt: This is it. This is the end.  
  
The sound of heavy tanks could be heard in the background, quickly closing in on him. Matt looked up from his bush. A tank was a mer 50 yards away!  
  
Matt: OH CRAP!  
  
Getting to his feet Indy began running for his life. The tanks were quickly closing in, the staff becoming heavier in his arms.  
  
Matt: I've failed.  
  
Suddenly, a shadow cast above him. Large and looming it felt like it was getting bigger and bigger. Looking frantically skyward Indy was able to read the large red painted letters on the bottom of the bird.  
  
"Still good."  
  
The helicopter dropped dangerously low to the ground. For a moment, it blocked the sun in Indy's face, and white stars buzzed in his eyes. A large figure smoking a cigar emerged. Sure enough, he was Italian.  
  
Matt: KYLE!!??  
  
Kyle: Yea??  
  
Matt: A LITTLE HELP HERE!  
  
Kyle: Got it.  
  
No sooner did he speak, a large crate dropped from the bird. Kyle latched onto a rope tied too the crate and swung down to the desert floor. Matt ran over greeting his friend, the tanks closer than ever.  
  
Matt: Oh, you had better have Weapons of Mass Destruction in there.  
  
Kyle: Even better. ::puts out cigar::  
  
Kicking open the side boarding, Kyle retrieved an unusual looking large gun. Tossing one to Matt, he brought out another.  
  
Matt: This is it??  
  
Kyle: Yo. Those things can take out O' Hara Airport.  
  
Mat: Woaaaaaahh  
  
Matt strapped the staff to his belt and aimed the gun towards the careening on-coming tank. Kyle soon did the same.  
  
Matt: EAT HISTORY TALIBAN SCUM!  
  
Uh-oh! What's this?!  
  
Kyle: Matt don't, They are waving something! It's white!  
  
Peering into the scope attached to the gun Indy made out the figure of a woman in a ripped white dress. Gagged and bound beside her stood the evil Omahamad Sandard Hullabaloo waving a piece of her dress in a mocking tone.  
  
Hullabaloo: JO CAN'T GET ME!!! AYE GOT ZE GRRL! ::cackles::  
  
Matt: Shit shit! They got Kelly somehow!  
  
Kyle: Pfft. Women.  
  
They stood there idle as the tanks screeched to a stop 20 yards away. Hullabaloo cackled and shook Kelly by the arm.  
  
Hullabaloo: YOU WILL NEVER GET THE GIRL IN TIME INDY! CHOOSE! HER, OR THE RELIC!  
  
Holding up a very boring looking handgun, he waved it madly around her head.  
  
Kelly: Pfft. Men.  
  
Matt's eyes darted to the staff and then the girl. Back.and forth.  
  
Hullabaloo: Make up yer mind Indy! Time is ticking! ::cocks gun::  
  
Kelly: Aiieeee  
  
Matt: Ah! Wait! Here! ::takes the staff off the belt:: Take the relic, just.don't-  
  
Hullabaloo gave off an evil laugh, motioned for one of his henchmen to go down and retrieved the relic from the surrendering Indiana. The henchman shuffled through the sand. Matt caught Kyle's eye and nodded. Kyle smirked and nodded. The man cautiously grabbed the staff from Indy's belt. Giggling he turned to begin wobbling back to his master.  
  
Kyle: GOD BLESS AMERICA! ::fires gun::  
  
The Henchman exploded over the scenery. Staff flying up in the air, the fight begins! The tank engines could be heard revving up. Matt saw where the staff landed: On one of the tanks!  
  
Oh-no!  
  
Hullabaloo winced with anger as he shoved Kelly down into the hatch of the tank, casually ripping another strip of her dress off in the process.  
  
Hullabaloo: FIRE! KILL HIM! KILL THEM!!!!  
  
Matt and Kyle darted towards the tanks fearless and pumped. Loud cracks from gun barrels were heard from both sides. Indy climbed up the tank. and there stood Hullabaloo. Arms clenched, eyes burning. He hissed like a snake between his teeth.  
  
Hullabaloo: This is the day you loose Indy!  
  
Matt: HA! I think not!  
  
Quick as lightning Matt located his revolver and fired freely at the evil Omahamad Sandard Hullabaloo. One bullet graced his shoulder, sending blood down his robes. They fought with fists; they fought with hands, guns and whips. During this time Kyle was skillfully picking off the rest of the henchmen brave enough to emerge from tanks. Kyle: I got you back Matt! Go!  
  
This was it! He had an opening! The staff lay in reach. Clamped in Hullabaloo's "Snake Food" lock, Matt extended his hand. Straining every muscle in his body, he moved closer to the lone staff.  
  
Matt: All.most.there.  
  
He could touch it! He felt it's smooth wooden frame. Unexpectedly a woman's scream could be heard from inside the tank followed by 2 gun shots. Matt and Kyle froze for only a few seconds but the world slowed...Even Hullabaloo looked up from his work to stare at the hatch of the tank.  
  
Triumphantly Kelly emerged wiping her hands on her dress.  
  
Kelly: Pfft. Men.  
  
Matt: KELLY! GET THE RELIC!  
  
Instantly she scrambled out of the tank. Half crawling half-walking she made her way to the staff, Matt still under the lock of Hullabaloo.  
  
Kelly: I GOT IT!  
  
She held he staff over her head in victory. Kyle's voice boomed in the background, and that's when the front of the tank gave way.  
  
Kyle: CLIFF! CLIFF!  
  
The girl blinked and threw the staff towards the stationed man on the ground. He did not catch it, but none the same he picked it up, unharmed.  
  
Kelly: MATT!  
  
Running towards the back of the tank, she flung herself off the, hitting the ground with great force. Something snapped.  
  
Kyle: MATT!  
  
The machine dropped.  
  
Kelly: NO!!  
  
Lifting herself off the dusty ground, she staggered to the rim of the canyon in disbelief  
  
Kyle: I couldn't kill'em fast enough. Damn Bad guys just don't DIE!  
  
Kyle stood slumped behind the girl peering over the rim.  
  
Kelly: I didn't even get to snog him!  
  
Kyle: Now we lost him...  
  
As they peered over the rim looking for any sign of life, Indiana strolled behind them. Looking at Kyle, then Kelly he looked down the canyon.  
  
Matt: ::rolls eyes:: Taliban, I hate these guys.  
  
Kelly and Kyle snapped around in amazement.  
  
Kyle: MATT!  
  
Matt: Yea!  
  
Kyle: Yea!  
  
Matt: Yea!  
  
Kelly launched up and hugged him tightly around the neck.  
  
Kelly: I thought you were gone! ::tear::  
  
Kyle handed the relic to Matt once free from the clench of the girl in barely a dress.  
  
Kyle: So what do we do now?  
  
Matt: Shower.  
  
.....  
  
So the three set off. In one of the abandoned tanks they came across the small city of Hyayybubualieyeee and checked out a room. Thus proceeding to take 5-hour showers each. While Matt and Kelly cleaned up, Kyle went to the telephone and placed a long-distance call to Chicago.  
  
Kyle: Yea, Hello?  
  
Shaniqua: yeahhh.  
  
Kyle: Is Shaniqua there?  
  
Shaniqua: HELL NO! Shaniqua dun live here no more!  
  
::click::  
  
Frowning with loss, Kyle understood that Shaniqua was tired of his random adventure callings and night shifts. She left him. Instead of moping about it though,  
  
Kyle: I am going to get drunk.  
  
Matt: Take as long as you want!  
  
Mr. Cabodi parked himself at the bar downstairs. It took 2 matinees and then a exotic bartender/dancer approached him giggling. Smiling, Kyle handed the girl his room number.  
  
Kyle: #7, see ya in 5. ::winkwinkgrin::  
  
All the while, Kelly finally gets that snogging she wanted. Cause, face it, Indy always gets the girl.  
  
Matt: You didn't think I did it just for the relic, no?  
  
The end.  
  
Credits roll:  
  
::Shaniqua pops up dancing and singing, "I'm a survivor":: 


End file.
